Mar 1, 2021 | By Jeremy Waller, MBA (Marketing and Community Outreach Manager – Behavioral Health)

Introduction – A Bad Monday

Here’s an interesting scenario. Enter John Doe, he’s an everyday working me. He’s you, he’s me.

John wakes up for work one Monday after a restful weekend. As he strolls out of bed, he accidentally steps on a derelict toy left stranded by one of his kids from the night before.

He then hobbles over to the bathroom to get ready for the day. As he begins to shave, he cuts himself.

Later, he descends the stairs, rubbing his cheek and still limping a bit from his sore foot. It’s no big deal though, his kids and wife are waiting for him in the kitchen, they always brighten his day.

However, John arrives downstairs only to discover that the kitchen is deserted. A lone note on the fridge, signed by his wife, alerts him that she had to take the kids to school early and that he would have to forage for breakfast.

He opens the fridge, there’s no milk for cereal, they had forgotten to buy it. No eggs either, the kids used them all up. Then his alarm rings on his phone, its later than he realized, he had slept in! Breakfast has to wait.

After a frantic commute, John arrives at work in the nick of time. He hops online at his desk to begin his work. At least he can settle in and forget about things for a bit…or so he thinks!

A co-worker stops by and tells him a deadline for a project they had been working on got bumped up and they’d have to meet about it today.

John turns, gives a terse and disgruntled reply. The co-worker walks away, feeling downright rejected and upset that John would treat him in such a way.

For the rest of the day the co-worker reflects and ruminates on John’s behavior, going so far as to conclude that John doesn’t like him. What a Monday!

‘Make Stuff Up University’

Ask yourself, who do you relate more to in that scenario, John, or the co-coworker? I’m sure most of us can relate to John, but we might be a little more hesitate to admit to relating to the co-worker.

Yet, how many times do we act like the co-worker? Think about it. We interact with someone, they react a little harshly and we instantly jump to the conclusion that they don’t like us.

Now, in our scenario the co-worker didn’t have all of the information. Had he known about John’s bad Monday, he would have given him a lot more leeway.

Therein lies the point though. Most of the time we don’t have all of the information to inform us about why someone acts the way they do towards us.

Moreover, we often discount or fail to consider that situations might be influencing someone just as much as their personality might be. We jump right into attack mode and blame it all on them.

More often than not, we think the worst and go so far from reality that we spend way too much time and energy ruminating and harboring feelings that are not credible in the slightest. Put simply, we make things up.

Now, let me be clear. People are incredibly complex. It would be naïve to reduce the reasons for our behavior down to situations only.

Also, John could have chosen to act differently, but for this article, we are going to focus on the co-worker’s response and on the power of situations in influencing behavior.

The co-worker was upset, and that’s fine and normal. However, he didn’t leave it there. In fact, he took those feelings and checked into what I call “Make Stuff Up University.”

MSUU is a place we go to in our minds when we make up reasons for peoples behavior towards us.

More often than not, we think the worst and go so far from reality that we spend way too much time and energy ruminating and harboring feelings that are not credible in the slightest. Put simply, we make things up.

Did John hate the co-worker? No. Was he not friends with him anymore? Nope. Was he questioning the co-worker’s loyalty, blaming him for being behind on the project and pointing out the co-workers inability to get the job done? Nah.

John had a bad Monday. That’s it. The situation(s) he had faced that morning had clearly impacted how he was acting. But the co-worker didn’t see it that way, and next we’re going to learn why.

Conclusion – Responding Gracefully

The co-worker did not consider the possibility that situations in John’s life could have caused him to treat him like he did. He instead blamed it on John’s personality.

The co-worker also blamed it on something deficient within himself. We do that a lot, by thinking things like “this person said this to me, and it means I’m not worth being friends with,” or “I’m not good enough.” We do this because we jump to conclusions. We enroll in MSUU.

In the end, what happened in this scenario is what is called in psychology the “person-situation debate” which essentially asks what influences an individual’s behavior more, their personality or situations?

The next time someone slights you, consider the impact that situations could be having on them.

Ultimately, its really both. Again, we’re incredibly complex. Nevertheless, how you respond to how people treat you needs to be done so with an awareness that there could be a situation that is impacting how they are behaving.

Next time you find yourself in a spot like the co-worker, consider that there might be (and that there probably is) more going on behind the scenes.

Give the person who seems to be jumping at you the benefit of the doubt. Respond with understanding, and with grace. Consider situations.

When we respond gracefully, it allows us to open ourselves up to not only treating others better, but also to meeting them where they are. In fact, as far as the rest of the story is concerned, that’s exactly what the co-worker did.

Later that day the co-worker decided to check out of MSUU. He then asked John how his day was going. John told him about what had happened, and he apologized.

The two shared a big laugh and grabbed lunch together. No harm, no foul, just a bad Monday filled with everyday stressful situations.

The next time someone slights you, consider the impact that situations could be having on them, and when all else fails…blame it on Monday!